Musician and Music Related Jokes

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

Woodwinds

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."

He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Brass

The Top Ten Reasons To Play Trombone!

10. You get to play with your bone in public
9. There are infinite possibilities
8. 60 inches of nothing but shaft
7. You get to man the keg at band parties
6. It says bone... huh huh huh
5. CENSORED
4. Valves? We don't need no stinking valves
3. Being kinky is not a good thing
2. Who want's to blow wood all day?

AND...The Number ONE Reason To Play Trombone...

1. If you lube it right, you can play all night!!

More Top 10 Reasons why you should play the trombone

10. We think we are better than everyone else (but that's true!)
9. We don't suck!
8. We don't know what it feels like to lose!
7. We can take on the rest of the band and win!
6. We can take on the WHOLE football team and still win! 
5. Our names have the word slick written all over them!
4. We enjoy carrying around lightning rods!
3. Our wrong notes are always right (but a trombonist is NEVER wrong!)
2. All the music we play becomes a trombone with band accompaniment arrangement!

AND...The Number ONE Reason to be a Trombonist... 

1. We're still better than everyone else!! (with no doubt about it!) 

Even MORE reasons to play trombone

10. Doubles the flow of Testosterone.
9. Chicks dig the big cases.
8. It's Shiny!!!!
7. Works as a lightning rod.
6. Tastes like chicken.
5. Slides nicely when lubricated.
4. Takes care of pesky clarinet players who march in front of you.
3. It's the instrument of the gods.
2. No Batteries Necessary.

AND...The Number ONE Reason to be a Trombonist...

1. It's the only instrument that doesn't suck!!!!

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

Drums & Percussion

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, amazed, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is a radiator."

Vocalist Jokes

If you took all the female singers in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician... quick, kill me now!"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

General

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.

The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little &quotbong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.

"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"

The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.

"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.

Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.

A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

1. Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4. Look the other way just before cues.
5. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
9. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
10. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
14. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15. When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humblyresponded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels, I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"

The man says, "I was a doctor."

St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"

"I was a school teacher."

"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a musician."

"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
   I got a good woman...
   With the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:
   Got a good woman
   With the meanest dog in town.
   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs.
   Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
   Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
   So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
   Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota is just depression.
   Chicago, St.Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
   1. violet
   2. beige
   3. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    1. the highway
    2. the jailhouse
    3. the empty bed
11. Bad places for the Blues:
    1. tanning salon
    2. Gallery openings
    3. weekend in the Hamptons
12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.
13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
    1. you're blind
    2. you shot a man in Memphis.
    3. you can't be satisfied.
    No, if:
    1. you were once blind but now can see.
    2. you're deaf
    3. you have a trust fund.
14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.
15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
    Other blues beverages are:
    1. wine
    2. Irish whiskey
    3. muddy water
    Blues beverages are NOT:
    1. Any mixed drink
    2. Any wine kosher for Passover
    3. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
    So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.
    It is not the blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
17. Some Blues names for Women
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Suzi
18. Some Blues Names for Men
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Lightning
19. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.